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Beck's place is a nice place to read about parenting - lots of cupcakes, chores and the occasional rant. It's just the type of reading I enjoy while my kids are napping and my tea is actually hot. These last two days her blog has echoed a problem that we are having in the neighborhood.
Apparently, now spring now comes with its own set of problems, like Social Darwinism at the playground. It seems now that all of us suburban parents are no longer confined to the interior of our homes, schools, daycares and work place, we have increased the likelihood that we will by chance encounter others, most particularly other people we do not know. All our social skills seem to be hibernating late into spring...perhaps never to be seen again. Could this be a some side-effect of global warming?
In the last week my children have been both mocked and rejected at the playground. I'm not sure they are old enough for anyone to take up the position that they should just suck it up.
Scene: my two year old sitting at the top of slide is addressed by the five year old climbing the rock-wall: Are you a scaredy cat?
I intervene: Let's use nice words at the park everyone.
Five year old boy: What, I was just asking whether or not he was or was not a scaredy cat.
Me: Blink, blink, blink.
Little Bear: wheee!
Change Scene:
Little Puppy: hi!
girl at park: blank stare
LP: hi!
girl: blank stare, backs up
LP: she not say hi to me. why?
girl to friend: we don't want to be here with him.
me: blink, blink, blink - let's go on the slide!
Don't even ask me where the mommies are. I really don't have an answer. The thing is at one point I was a mother with just a four year. Pregnant and at the park, I let him roam and kept an eye on him. But in truth, I kept a ken eye and ear & had already raised him to use his kind words, to expect friendliness in exchange for friendliness, to take a turn, then give a turn. It was not until I saw him meet these expectations with regular success that I took my seat on the bench at the playground. My standard was not - is he big enough to go there without hurting himself, but is he mature enough, kind enough to have free reign here without causing harm or hurt to himself or anyone else. Was he an easy child? I guess by many standards he was. Did he mess up from time to time? Surely he did, but I was around to correct him, to hold the standard out for respect, kindness to others, especially those younger, weaker, less sure of their footing or confidence.
Now I have a younger child with a disability that leaves him less socially savvy than his peers. LP has to spend so much energy screening out stimuli he is quite behind his peers. Blissfully ignorant though is a thing of the past. Now he is consciously confused. He does not understand their games, he does not understand their rejections. In a crowd running, he does not see they are running from him - but I hear them and I know they are. The moms on the bench -- yes, yes, you can see my jealousy so clearly here, I would be one of them with such a laid back two year old, but my four year old's disability keeps me running after the pack - those moms, I know what they see: a crowd of children running and laughing. From a distance of just 10 feet, they seem to be a cohesive pack, the little ones trailing, the bigs ones leading, LP in the middle for he his long-legged and fast, but not aware they are all trying to get away, away from him. I hear their shouts, lost in the wind: here he comes, no this way, he's back. How do they know already that he is not one of them? The speed of the running and the noise are stimulating to him, he takes great joy in the game, unaware of the rejection this time. There is a conference among the four and five year olds. I think for a moment that one of them may come forward and explain it all to him - that this isn't tag or hide and seek, this is keep away, from you. No one in this age group has got the fortitude for this. They see my watchful eye. The scened fades.
I am lonely at the park. I run between keeping a watchful eye on LB's monkey tricks (Can he climb that safely? Is there a big gap there? Stay off the rock wall! You are only two!) & LP's new desire to interact at the park. It ought to be the perfect place for us & it is very, very not.
On our way home, both seem happy about the park. I feel like a fraud, peddling this icy playground experience in lieu of offering real friendships. So, we stop for icecream so the iciness goes down a little sweeter.
All this reminds me, that I owe you & Mothertalk a review of Road Map to Holland, by Jennifer Graf Groneberg. Its over here...
Saturday, April 12, 2008
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9 comments:
i just finished reading Beck's post before coming over here and sat captivated by this real life example...and also sad. that it starts so young. that the park is lonely.
This is very very sad. It is strange how some children can be so cruel and others seem so kind. My daughter's class, for example. I watch them, this bunch of five and six year olds and I wonder whether it is that they really are all nice kids from nice families, or is it that the school and the teachers are doing something incredible to make them this group of kids really and truly watching out for each other and showing kindness to everyone they meet. I think both, but I am inclined to give the school a good bit of credit there, mostly because some efforts are transparent enough to be seen, and I imagine there is a good bit they do that isn't so transparent to us.
I am sorry the playground crowd is unkind. It's not fair and it's not right.
Oh it's everywhere. We have two playgrounds we frequent. One is a larger sort of sports complex and we like going there, however, we will not go there after school hours or during the summer. It's a shame too, as they have the bigger playground and are currently building a new Boundless Playground (which we've worked on the committee for for the last four years). We tend to go to the playground in another town (also a smaller complex, however they keep the bathroom locked - big rant here, maybe this will be my post for the day).
The reason we don't go to the other one, is it gets inundated with bigger kids (like 6-10 year olds) who are always pushing, name calling and climbing up the play scape where you shouldn't be climbing (which in turn, my kids want to try).
The language that comes out of these kids mouths is also atrocious. Its part of the reason we will not send our kids to public school in town, they don't need to hear that crap.
ANd the parents? Who know where they are. Maybe on the bench, maybe in their cars or sometimes across the ball fields and pond and on the lake. There is absolutely no supervision. I'm all for giving my kids space, but I am right there if needed.
Oh, this hurts.
ugh, just so heartbreaking.
we were at an indoor mall playground the other day (it was snowing). peanut climbed up on something. a little boy climbed up with her. i was watching sweetpea, but also keeping vigil over peanut.
"i am the princess! you can be the prince if you want to"
sweetpea nearly tumbles....i catch her. i turn back around to see the boy push peanut off the climbing thing. tears ensue. no other mother to be found.
"let's not push each other please, let's be gentle"
"i don't want to be the prince!" he shouts to me.
at last the other mother shows up and grills me about what i was saying to him and what happened. at least she decided to believe me followed up by giving her son a verbal warning and a break from playing.
i can not believe the kids at your park though....new england kids are sounding WAY too sophisticated to me--but not at all in a good way.
Oh, this makes my heart hurt.
If it helps at all... I am not one of those mothers on the bench. And even on the rare opportunity that I get to sit, I am always watching, always listening... making sure my children are being kind and being treated kindly in return. Playgrounds can quickly disintegrate into Lord of the Flies if parents aren't watchful.
You come to my playground anytime, and we'll hang out. :)
Not big enough, but mature enough, kind enough?
I'm going to be thinking about that all day: thanks for a wonderful post.
playground dynamics are rough. we actually looked at a school that didn't have recess (but did have PE every day) because "That's where all the problems start." And there's some truth to that, I suppose. But it doesn't have to be... not with the right guidance and supervision.
Tricky, indeed. Environment is everything. I have so many stories about how my son's self-esteem was shaped or smooshed all depending on who the "other kids" were on the playground. Fortunately, he's found his place (for now,) but earlier, we were really holding our breath.
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